Waiting

Patience has never been one of my virtues. When I’m anticipating something, I want it today…..now. I don’t want to worry about it; I want it to be here right now so I can deal with it. I don’t like ambiguity, I don’t like indecisiveness, I don’t like being out of control. Even if it’s bad news, I want to deal with it instead of worrying about whether or not I’m going to have to deal with it.

Impatience is a form of worry. Even if I am absolutely sure something is going to happen, my impatience makes me stress because I want it to happen right away. It’s so foolish to let impatience affect me like that, yet it often does. It’s an area of my life on which I need to keep working.

Let me give you an example. Years ago when I first began having symptoms, the doctors thought I might have Multiple Sclerosis. When they finally ruled that out, they were concerned about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). The test for that is a blood test and, at the time, it took 10 days before you received the results. Those were the longest 10 days of my life.

With ALS, the average lifespan is 5 years and the majority of that time is spend in a wheelchair, unable to talk or move. It’s a horrible, horrible disease and my heart goes out to anyone who has it and their families. Someone with ALS becomes totally reliant on their family and caregivers. They can do nothing for themselves. That, dementia and cancer are three of the most scary diseases around because in some cases, you can do nothing about it except wait until it takes you. My heart goes out to everyone who has one of these dreaded diseases or knows someone who does.

So, in those 10 days when I waited for the test results, I started getting my house in order. I started a list of insurance policies so my family wouldn’t have to scramble to find them. I prepared a list of all the things I thought my family would need to know when I was gone. I even wrote out plans about how I wanted to be cremated. I was waiting for death.

As it turned out, I didn’t have ALS. All that worry was for nothing. I wasted 10 days of my life worrying instead of working on things that were more productive. I definitely prayed during that time period, but what I failed to do was to place my burden on God’s altar. Instead of just giving all this to Him, I thought I could handle it on my own. When the results came back negative, I thanked God, but I never stopped to think that He wasn’t a bit worried. He not only always knew what the results of that test would reveal, He had the power to control the outcome.

When you worry, your body releases adrenaline and cortisol. They are stress hormones and they trigger that fight or flight reflex. When I have to wait on something, I get stressed and I almost bet you can see the adrenaline and cortisol racing through my body. Not only do those chemicals make you worry that much more, they can also cause additional health problems. All because I lack patience and the wisdom to give my worries to God.

What did I learn about all of this? Apparently, not much. I still hate waiting. I still worry. I still forget to give it to Him. Instead, I fret, I pace, I get grouchy, all because things aren’t happening my way, right now.

I’m getting better waiting when it comes to MG. I’ve really placed that in God’s hands and I am prepared to do whatever He wants and wait as long as He wants me to wait about anything MG related. My problem is I’m still not good at waiting on other things in my life. Why? Because I still think I have to solve all my problems on my own.

I don’t need to be alone when I’m waiting for something. I don’t need to solve everything on my own. I truly know God is there for me. It’s my weakness that takes over and causes me to worry. It’s my weakness that makes me think I need whatever it is I’m waiting for today. That’s where I need to start. I need to realize that I can give all things to God. Not just the MG, I can give all my problems to Him and be comforted in the fact that He will always take me down the right path if only I will listen and place my trust in Him.

I actually started giving all these trivial things to God a while ago, but I’ve not yet perfected my technique. I give them to God and feel better, only to have impatience and worry set in a few hours later. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Instead, I will keep trying and keep trying and keep trying until I get it right. God has promised to provide all things in due time.

If you have Myasthenia Gravis and have not yet placed it on God’s altar, then I highly encourage you to do so. Only then will you find comfort and relief. And while you’re at it, throw in all the other things that bring you stress, discomfort and worry. He’s the only one who can fix them.

My mother used to always tell me, “Don’t do as I do, do as I tell you.” That’s what I’m asking you to do. I’m pretty good about giving MG to God, but I’m still working on everything else. I’m asking you to show me up, beat me to the finish line, get there before I do. Give all your troubles, your worries, your impatience to God and let Him show you how good life can be without all those things.

And while you’re at it, throw in an extra prayer for me. I’m right behind you, but I could sure use your help.