A few weeks ago, I received a subpoena to report for Jury Duty on September 17th. I returned my questionnaire as directed and will call the Jury Duty hotline the night before to see if I’m still going to be needed. Jury Duty can be quite an inconvenience for someone with a job or a person who has children, but I’m retired and it should be no problem for me. I’m glad to fulfill my civic duty.
As I was thinking about the upcoming jury duty, I began to think about how I hope I don’t have any Myasthenia Gravis symptoms, if I’m chosen to serve. I will continue on my medicine, but I know I’ll become embarrassed if I drool, become hoarse, develop brain fog, or any of the other tricks MG plays on us.
That’s when I realized how much we judge ourselves. When you’re in a court room, the judge or jury determines a person’s guilt or innocence. In life, we often act like our own judge or jury. In fact, we’re pretty hard on ourselves. Where we tend to cut other people a bit of slack, we can be downright cruel when it comes to assessing and judging ourselves.
Why should I be embarrassed if I drool, become hoarse or develop a little brain fog? It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose and besides, I can handle most of those things. I can bring a handkerchief, so no one sees me drool. I can push through any hoarseness. I can think through thoughts before giving an answer if I have brain fog. It may take me a little longer to respond, but taking time to think before talking is probably something I should do a little more of anyhow.
If I saw someone else with these symptoms, I wouldn’t think bad of them. I might feel a little compassion for them, but I wouldn’t think less of them. So why should I think less of myself if I have a few breakthrough symptoms?
I think being critical of ourselves goes beyond human nature. It probably leans more towards conditioning. We’ve conditioned ourselves to expect perfection and we are our own worst critics. When we do something that’s not perfect, we tell ourselves that we failed or it wasn’t good enough. Where we would provide encouragement for someone else who didn’t perform perfectly, we immediately get down on ourselves if we don’t do so. That’s because we set ridiculously high expectations for ourselves. Sometimes so high that we almost make it impossible to achieve success.
Yesterday I wrote a blog about brain fog. I hope it gave you a glimpse of what brain fog is like. Do you know how hard that was for me to not go back and correct all the errors? I had battles with myself about allowing that blog to get published, as poorly as it looked. Yet if I had corrected it, you wouldn’t have experienced an example of what brain fog is all about. I had to put my ego aside. I had to accept that what I was doing required the opposite of perfection. I had to demonstrate reality at the expense of perfection.
When I prepare a blog, I write it first in a word processor. The word processor has autocorrect which will automatically warn me if I’ve made any mistakes like misspelled words or improper grammar. Sometimes I override these for effect, but for the most part, I use them. Once that’s complete, I then type the blog into my blog website. I don’t cut and paste; I physically type it in. Why do I take this extra step? Because sometimes as I type, I get additional ideas of something I should include or find a better way to convey a concept. It’s another way for me to make sure you get to read exactly what I’m trying to convey. The blog website also has autocorrect which will pick up any additional misspelled words or glaring grammar problems. Even with that, I sometimes find errors in my blogs.
So, after retyping the entire blog, I now go back and go through each paragraph individually to check for any errors. Only after I’ve completed that step will I save the draft blog. Once the draft is saved, I preview the blog, once again making any last-minute changes before publishing. When I think it’s exactly the way I want it, I publish the blog.
But wait, I’m not done yet. Immediately after publishing the blog, I open it up and reread it. Every once in a while, I’ll catch yet another error and edit the published blog. Even after all this, there are still some errors like misspelled words, dangling participles (I’ve always loved that phrase), fragmented sentences and improper grammar that seem to sneak through.
Why am I telling you this? Because we are definitely our own worst critics and rather biased self-jurists. We go into life thinking we need to do everything perfectly. We go into life expecting more from ourselves than we expect of others. We often set unrealistic goals and then beat ourselves up when we’re unable to achieve them. We see ourselves as guilty often before we even hear or understand the facts.
We have Myasthenia Gravis. We need to give ourselves a break. It’s okay to not feel good, as long as we don’t develop a habit of not feeling good. It’s okay to get a little depressed, as long as we don’t develop a habit of being depressed. It’s okay to want some alone time, as long as we don’t develop a habit of always wanting to be alone. So quit being so hard on yourself!
The Jury Is Out! You’re doing good. You’re taking your medicines as your doctor directed. You’re getting as much exercise as you can tolerate. You’re getting the appropriate amount of sleep. You’re doing what you’re capable of doing and asking for assistance when it’s beyond your capabilities. You’re trying not to allow MG to run your life.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be proud of the things you’ve accomplished and have yet to accomplish. Be the ray of sunshine in every room you enter. Bring laughter and joy to everyone you meet. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to give it your best shot.
Your best shot is enough!