Have you ever run into someone you’ve previously met but can’t for the life of you remember their name? That happens to me all the time. There’s a reason why this occurs, which I’ll get into in a moment, but it’s really embarrassing, not only for me but also for the person whose name I’ve forgotten.
I’ve struggled with this most of my life, so it’s not something new or as a result of Myasthenia Gravis. The brain fog I now experience doesn’t help, but it’s certainly not one of the main culprits.
The problem is: I don’t listen.
When I meet someone for the first time and they tell me their name, my brain is already in overload as I begin looking for the non-verbal clues I’m sending and receiving. I’m thinking about the handshake. Was it strong, too-strong, or a little whimpy? Are their eyes focused or wandering? I’m so busy trying to pick up on the nonverbal clues that I completely forget to listen to the important verbal clues…like their name.
It doesn’t help that I have trouble hearing, but that’s not the main reason for my lack of name retention. I wear hearing aids and my family is known to frequently yell out, “Alma, check your batteries!”, when they realize I haven’t heard them. The truth is I’m probably just ignoring them. Ignoring is undoubtedly also the source of my problem with names.
So, now that I know why it happens, what am I doing about it? I’ve been trying to focus more closely on a person’s name when I meet them. I try to assure I give the person the respect they deserve by truly listening to what they’re saying before my mind has a chance to run off in a different direction. I’m not good at it yet, but I’m trying.
That doesn’t help me, however, when I run into someone I’ve previously met and prior to my new emphasis on listening. For those sins, I still have to pay the price.
I recently ran into an article in TIME entitled “7 Things to Say When You Forget Someone’s Name”. The article was written by Angela Haupt, a health and wellness editor at TIME. Of the seven remedies she suggested in her article, I particularly liked two of them.
The first one suggested saying, “I should know this. What’s your name again?” Using this technique tells the person you’re owning the lapse and trying to fix it. This eases the tension of the moment.
The one I really liked, however, suggested saying, “I’m doing that thing where my brain has your face on file but forgot to label it. Help me out?” This technique not only lets the person know you are taking responsibility for not remembering their name, but does so using humor to help ease the tension. I particularly like this method because it really coincides with what went on in my head when I first met them. My mind was taking in nonverbal data and I failed to label the file with the verbal information they provided.
When your mind develops a habit, like trying to pick up non-verbal clues about a person when first meeting them instead of listening to their name, it’s hard to break. It takes a lot of practice to reverse a habit like this. That habit will only be broken when you recognize the problem and adopt a new pattern for solving it.
Let’s use this to talk about what happens to a lot of people during doctors’ appointments. Have you ever gone into an appointment with so many preconceived ideas or questions that you failed to actually listen to what your doctor is saying? Same concept as not listening to a person’s name when meeting them for the first time. You’re so involved in your thought processes that you’re no longer aware of what the doctor is saying. Chances are, you’ll miss out on a lot of valuable information because you failed to focus on what your doctor was trying to tell you.
I realize my lack of focus when meeting a person for the first time is nothing short of rude. I also realize I have to take steps to correct it. The same holds true for not truly listening to your doctor during appointments. Most of the time it’s much better to listen first and then start asking questions or developing your theories, not the other way around.
Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” once said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” That’s good advice for both scenarios.