Thank you for the many comments, thoughts and prayers I’ve received following my previous post. It’s so comforting to experience such kindness and support. We’re not in this alone and so many of you reminded me of that.
Before I move on to today’s blog, however, I need your support once again. My 2 year-old granddaughter is currently in the hospital with pneumonia. This isn’t her first hospital stay as she had RSV earlier this year, but let’s hope and pray she gets well and returns home to play with her Christmas presents soon.
As for me, I’m doing better. Still finishing out the medications and doing breathing treatments, but coughing a little less each day.
Today I want to spend some time talking about how to deal with the challenges with which we are often faced.
For those of us with Myasthenia Gravis or any other progressive condition, the future is unknown. We simply don’t know what lies ahead. Not knowing can sometimes be more difficult to handle than the issue itself. For example, I know how to take care of myself today with MG through strict adherence to my medications, following my doctor’s instructions, proper diet, exercise, sleep and rest. I don’t always do all those things perfectly, but for the most part, I try to adhere to them.
I don’t know, however, what the future will bring. Will MG progress slowing or quickly? What functions will be affected most? Am I still going to be able to take care of myself? Will I have a myasthenia crisis? All of these are fair questions, but the fact is no one can accurately predict what will happen. Although we know progression will probably happen, just like every other aspect of MG, it will probably be different for everyone.
So, how do we deal with this? I know of only one way. That’s to give it to God. God has promised to always watch over us and protect us. That doesn’t mean He won’t ever allow us to get sick or affected by illness or disease. It means He has a plan for us and if we place all our faith in Him, He will be with us along the way.
This last week when I became so ill, there were times when I could not get air in or out. I had become so weak from coughing that when congestion clogged my bronchial tubes, I barely had the strength to cough enough to clear them. A few times, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get any air in or out. I panicked, began to see stars and even felt my body shaking, almost convulsing, as my brain was desperately reaching out for more oxygen. I was passing out. Suddenly air returned and I recovered. This happened a few times during my latest adventure. It’s not fun.
Choking or not being able to breathe is never a good situation, but it’s especially concerning to someone with MG who has to immediately worry about a myasthenia crisis. This is when the muscles controlling the diaphragm become so weak that the person is unable to breathe on their own and must be placed on a ventilator in order to survive. In fact, many MG patients have died as a result of a myasthenia crisis.
On top of this, I also have heart problems. Events like being unable to breathe properly can trigger additional stress on the heart or cause dangerous arrhythmias.
In those moments, everything is completely out of my hands. There is nothing I can do to change what is happening during a coughing spell and subsequent clogging of the airway. The only thing I can do is give the situation to God. I had one of those moments this last week.
I don’t want to sound over-dramatic, but I didn’t know if I would be taking another breath. All I knew at the time was that it was impossible for me to move any air in or out and my body was beginning to react to the lack of oxygen. I wanted to take another breath, but that wasn’t something my body was physically capable of making happen; it was something only God controlled. It was in His hands.
He not only chose for me to take another breath, but many more after that. I knew that at any moment, the next breath could evade me, but I made it through with God’s help. I also finally realized it was time for me to commit entirely. It was time for me to accept God’s will being done as opposed to my own.
I’ve always been a strong believer, but like many, I assume, we’re not quite sure how we’d react in a truly difficult situation. It’s kind of like the tough guy thinking that if he was placed in a situation where he was forced to look into the barrel of a gun, that he would either grab the gun out of the assaulter’s hands or put his finger down the barrel. If truth were known, he’s probably more likely to run in the opposite direction or pass out, but that’s probably not the way he sees it in his mind.
The same was kind of true for me as a Christian. When faced with the possibility of my next breath possibly being my last, I always hoped I would just turn to God, but that’s not what I had done in the past. I kept my faith, but I didn’t entirely submit to God’s will.
During this recent episode, I finally reached a point in my life where I was willing to turn everything over to God, say “Your will be done”, and mean it. I wasn’t giving up. It wasn’t that I was no longer willing to fight to live; it was that I realized God is the only one in control and His plan for my life is what’s important. I can make all the plans I want, but His plans are the only ones that really matter. I had to get right with God. I had to be willing to say, “I’m not ready to give up. I still have things I want to do. I still want to see my grandchildren grow up. I still have people I need to touch. But above all that, when you decide to call me home, I’m ready. I want your plan for my life to be my plan. Whatever you decide, I am at peace with doing.”
That’s not an easy decision for many people to make, including me. I always thought that’s what I believed and wanted to happen, but in this instance, I was in a position where I was in deep trouble and it was indeed possible that my next breath would be my last. I was finally ready. Not ready to die, not ready to give up, but ready to give everything to God. I was finally ready to say and mean, “Your will be done”, even if that meant my life on earth would no longer exist. That’s when I knew I had finally gotten right with God. I was no longer praying for Him to help me out of this jam. I was no longer praying for my will to be done. I was praying for His will to be done. It was Christmas Eve. My family was all at church. I was home alone and just suffered one of the worst choking spells I had ever had. I may have even passed out for a few seconds or minutes. All I know is when I woke up, I felt His arms wrapped around me.
Over the next few days, I began to heal. I had been taking all my regular medications plus the added steroids, an antibiotic and nebulizer breathing treatments, all of which helped, but I know why I got better. It was God’s plan.
Remember the joke about the guy who’s drowning and just before he goes under the water for the last time, he calls out to God and says, “if you save me, I promise to start going to church more often, I’ll be kinder to people and I’ll avoid my sinful ways”? He gets saved and immediately returns to being his old self. He tried to bargain with God and didn’t live up to his end of the bargain.
I didn’t bargain with God. I accepted God and His will. Whatever may come, I am ready because I know it’s God’s plan. I feel peace knowing that I don’t have to fight this fight on my own. God will show me the way and this time, I’m going to listen.
If you’re struggling, no what what you’re struggling with, get closer to God. It’s not always easy to accept His will, but that’s the place you’ll find true comfort and peace. Don’t wait for a possible end of life scenario; do it now, intentionally and without the added stress that makes you want to bargain. Do it because you know it’s right and it’s what you truly want. Only then will you find true comfort. We have obligations to do what our doctors tell us we need to do, but only God has the power to establish a plan for our lives. Only God has given us free will and the power to use that free will to turn our life to Him.
I didn’t receive an epiphany on Christmas Eve. I just did what I’ve always wanted to do, but had been afraid. I didn’t receive an edict to go out and save sinners or preach to the world about God’s love and grace. We didn’t need to negotiate. I accepted God’s will as my own and I know He will show me the way. I’ve always known I was in God’s arms and sometimes I even felt them around me, but I never allowed myself to sink in and enjoy the comfort of being there. I do now. I realize I still have all the challenges of life still staring me in the face, but God’s plan will be what helps me through. I’m not in this alone. Neither are you.