The other day I experienced an emotional moment that I didn’t know how to deal with. I didn’t handle it well. This happens to everyone at one time or another. Those of us with Myasthenia Gravis or other chronic condition are especially vulnerable to emotional outbreaks due to the fact that we’re already dealing with so much physically and emotionally. Our bodies don’t quite know how to handle it all.
I didn’t get violent or physically hurt someone, but I hurt someone with my words. They didn’t deserve it and I’m sorry I did that.
I’m the sort of person who holds things inside. The problem is if you hold things inside for too long, they simmer and can one day erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. I know holding things inside is a bad way to handle emotions. It’s not only harmful for me, but also for my relationships. So, why did I do it? I honestly don’t know, but I’m working on trying to fix it.
I realize there are some real downsides to being “Strong and Silent”. If this is how I’m handling my emotions, I’m not being strong at all. I’m being a coward. Being strong would mean facing my emotions and if unable to handle them on my own, then seeking help.
It’s actually kind of instinctual for people to hide emotions inside them. We don’t want people to see us as weak or vulnerable. Holding things inside, however, is never a good long-term strategy. Sooner or later, issues will always fester to the top. In fact, hiding your emotions inside can lead to irritability, isolation and even depression. Instead of holding your emotions inside, you’re much better off talking to someone about them. In some cases, you may even require professional help.
Don’t get me wrong. Nobody likes to be around a Debbie Downer or someone who is constantly wallowing in pity. At the same time, you need to be able to release your emotions, but do so appropriately and with the correct timing. It’s sometimes okay to yell and scream, to get it all out, but your yelling and screaming should be directed at MG and never at yourself or someone else.
Silence is a great strategy to prevent an inappropriate and uncontrolled reaction, but it’s never a good long-term strategy. If silence keeps me from lashing out when I’m upset, then that’s a good thing, but if I stay upset and hold my emotions inside, eventually they will find their way to the surface and explode in a way that I will later regret. I don’t get violent; I just throw a tantrum, cause a scene, make a fool of myself and create an environment where people don’t want to be around me.
So what should I do when I feel like this? The first thing I need to do is take a deep breath, step back and take a moment to recognize what I’m feeling. If I recognize and accept what I’m feeling, I put myself in a better position to act, instead of reacting. Once I’ve done that, then I need to seek help. Finally, I need to be willing to accept the help I’m offered.
It’s okay for me to feel emotions, as long as they aren’t harmful to me or anyone else. I need to accept that I’m having them. People with MG are often plagued with guilt. We feel guilty about not being able to follow through with plans with family and friends. We feel guilty about needing help when we’re unable to do on our own the things we need to do. We feel guilty because we’re no longer capable of solving everyone else’s problems. We’re allowed to have those kinds of feelings and we’re certainly not the only people who have them.
After accepting my feelings, then I need to seek help. The first place I turn is to God. If I can get away for even just a few minutes, go to a quiet place in my head and talk to God, the pressure releases. That doesn’t mean I get immediate relief from whatever it is that is bothering me, but it’s like a whistle on a tea kettle, it releases steam and prevents the pot from exploding.
You see, God gets me. He knows I have all these faults and insecurities. He loves me in spite of them. He’ll listen to me. He’ll allow me to give my troubles to Him. He’ll allow me to blow off steam without alienating everyone around me. He lets me know it’s okay to have these feelings and that I’ve come to the right place for help in getting over them. He’ll let me know if I can handle the situation or if I’m going to need additional help. He’ll bring me back to a state where I’m willing and able to sit down and discuss my feelings appropriately with the people with whom I need to share.
Finally, I need to accept the help God offers me. It may not be exactly what I want or exactly what I had planned, but he knows me better than I know me. And, he knows the whole story, not just the selfish and often childish version I’m telling him. His help will always be better than the help I cooked up for myself.
I forgot to go to God first the other day. There was something weighing very heavily on me and my emotions had been building inside me. When I told my wife about it, I didn’t get the reaction I was expecting. I was expecting her to be as upset as I was. Instead, she didn’t think it was a big deal. Truth is, she was actually right. It wasn’t. I had let my emotions build until they took control. When I didn’t get the response from her I was looking for, I got mad, I yelled and then I withdrew. I stewed about it while she carried on with what she was doing, as if it never happened. It wasn’t a big deal to her that I lost my temper. It was a big deal to me. I don’t like when I act like that. If I had taken a moment and talked to God first, then the tantrum would never have happened. I made a withdrawal from my wife’s emotional bank account. It’s a good thing I had a positive balance.
I’m going to slip every now and then, but I’m trying to avoid letting my emotions get the best of me. Every once in a while one will break through. Maybe that’s to remind me that I can’t handle everything by myself. I need God to help me.
If you’re struggling, whether it’s with emotions, depression, guilt or whatever seems to be bothering you, remember to first accept your feelings, then seek help, and finally accept the help you’re offered. God is there for you, just like he’s always there for me. We just need to learn how to lean on him a little more.