I received several good comments on my blog yesterday discussing desperation. Desperation isn’t a fun topic to talk about. We would all prefer that we never have to deal with it. That’s precisely the reason I brought it up. Desperation is often hidden or kicked under the rug until it’s too late. Suicide, isolation or lashing out at others, unfortunately, is a real concern about someone with a progressive disease. For any disease for that matter.
I believe much of desperation comes from a fear of the future. Uncertainty leads to anxiety, stress and desperation. Progressive illnesses often come with unpredictable outcomes and if there’s anything that will scare your socks off, it’s not knowing what the future will bring. Progressive illnesses create anxiety about future health, ability to function, or continued access to necessary care. I believe desperation also comes from our fear of burdening others.
I watched my brother care for his wife who was suffering from dementia. There were times when she didn’t even know who he was. One of the very last things I heard her say was, “See that man over there? He takes very good care of me.” My brother is a saint. He never complained. He just did it. I don’t know if I would have performed so well faced with a similar scenario. His strength during this very difficult time was and always will be a source of inspiration for me. Some time after his wife passed, God blessed him with love once again and he is now married to a wonderful, kind person. He so deserved that.
Not only do I not know if I could ever be as good as my brother in taking care of his wife during such a nasty, dreadful disease, but I also don’t know if I want to place that burden on someone else if I become the person who needs constant care. I joke that my family would place me in a home where they would tie me to a chair facing a window and forget about me, but in reality, I know my family would take care of me. The question becomes, would I really want to saddle them with that kind of burden?
Now you begin to see where desperation comes from. I’m currently nowhere near becoming a burden, yet I’m already worried about it. Don’t get me wrong; there are times when my family steps in to help me, especially when I’m having a tough time or become sick, but I’m not totally dependent upon them yet for my care. What would I do if I ever get there?
I can tell you I don’t believe in suicide. That’s taking things into your own hands and only God gets to decide when we leave this earth. With that said, I don’t know how I would react if faced with the dilemma of becoming a burden. It’s kind of like saying “What would you do in a life-threatening situation?” The fact is, you don’t really know what you would do. You may have an inkling, but until actually faced with that kind of situation, you are really only guessing. I know people who have given up. I also know people who have looked desperation in the face and fought it. I hope I would be the later, but I won’t really know unless I someday find myself in that kind of situation.
So, what am I saying? I’m saying don’t worry about desperation today. If you’re not already experiencing it, worrying about becoming desperate serves no purpose. I’m also saying if you’ve already found yourself becoming desperate, then get help. You don’t need to go through it alone. Turn to God, turn to your doctor, turn to those who love you.
Most importantly, if you’re a caregiver, loved one, or family member of someone starting to show signs of desperation, then intervene. Don’t waste time trying to decide what to do. Act, and act quickly. During times of desperation, poor choices are made. By acting quickly and getting the person the help they need, you just might be able to prevent a disaster.
Would we really become a burden to someone who truly loves us or would our decision to take away their opportunity to help us, through suicide or giving up, become an even bigger burden for them to bear? That’s a pretty profound question. All I know is suicide is never the answer.
My advice is to let God decide what is right for us. I know, if faced with that kind of scenario, God has more ability, more knowledge, more understanding, more love and more power than any human could ever have. I should never make a decision like that for myself. I should turn to Him, trust He will walk with me, He will carry out His plan for me, He knows what’s best for me. I firmly believe God would never consider suicide to be a viable option. When He’s ready to call me home, He will. Until then, I just need to trust Him.
Don’t worry about desperation. It may never occur. But if you begin to feel desperate, then turn to God and get help. We’re not in this alone. We don’t have to make those kinds of decisions. We just have to keep our faith focused and know that He will do whatever is right for us. His will be done.
I promise my next blog will be much brighter. Life isn’t always sunshine and roses. Sometimes we need to discuss the difficult subjects, but sunshine will eventually return and it will bring the roses.