Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is such a good person. She cares about everyone and it shows. She was distraught as I was talking to her. She felt like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
She has so much responsibility in her job and so much to do. She’s a hard worker, but she feels like she’s walking in wet cement. She’s trying so hard to do a good job, but she feels there are times when she’s not getting anything accomplished. People keep piling things on and, being the good soldier that she is, she takes on each new task without complaining. It’s taking its toll. I saw how she was hurting inside. I saw how she was seeing herself as failing because she was having trouble keeping all of the balls in the air.
There have been times in my life where I’ve felt exactly how she’s feeling today. The harder I tried, the more behind I seemed to get. Living like that takes a lot out of a person physically, but also emotionally. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve felt like just giving up. I couldn’t handle it all. I was making myself a failure. I didn’t know where to turn. Whenever I turned to God, I got an answer.
I’ve always tried to do the best job I possibly could do when employed. That served me well in my career, but I was missing two important elements. I wasn’t being truthful to myself and I failed to set boundaries.
I wasn’t being truthful to myself because I had it in my head that I needed to do whatever I was asked to do. I not only convinced myself I had to do it, but that I had to do it perfectly. When I’d write an email or memo, I’d reread it a hundred times to make sure it was perfectly worded. I didn’t have time for that. I could have reread it once or twice and gotten the same result. When my boss asked me to do something, I accepted the assignment without question. I always seemed to find myself with way too much to do, not enough time to do it and people depending on me to get it done. I didn’t want to let anyone down, so I worked harder, I worked later, I worked myself into a frenzy.
When I took on too much, I wasn’t doing the people I reported to or worked with any favors. In fact, I was almost guaranteeing that one or more of them would be let down. I just couldn’t do everything.
I once went to a seminar on being productive. After the presentation, I asked the presenter if he had any advice on what to do when the assignments just kept coming and the pile of work continued to grow to the point where you weren’t capable of getting it all done. His response stuck in my head and helped guide me through the rest of my career.
He said, “Let me guess. You have a boss who gives you an assignment. Five minutes later, he gives you another assignment and tells you this one is important. Five minutes after that, he gives you another assignment and tells you this one is also important. Before you know it, you have all these assignments, all of them important and you don’t have a clue where to begin. Am I right?” I told him he was absolutely right and that’s exactly what was happening.
He then said to me, “You need to tell your boss that you can do anything; you can’t do everything. Make your boss pick the priority of the assignments and then work on the most important assignment first. If he adds a new assignment, make him determine where it fits in your list of priorities. You may not have time to get the entire list completed, but by making your boss set the priorities and then focusing on the most important one first, you’ll start knocking things off your list.” This was sage advice and it worked.
He then told me it was important that I learn to set boundaries. Instead of constantly taking on every request, I needed to learn to say “No” when it didn’t work with my current list of priorities. That was difficult for me because I always wanted to please my boss and everyone I worked with. He explained if I didn’t set boundaries and learn to say “No” to some requests, I would soon load my plate so full that I’d be unable to accomplish anything or satisfy anyone. He said people will accept the boundaries I set if they know I was setting those boundaries to assure everything I accepted would get done and done well. I just had to learn how to set them.
It wasn’t easy when I first tried this. Some people were surprised at first when I turned down their request or invitation. They were so used to me taking on every request that I had become their “go-to guy”. When I explained my reasoning, they understood. Once I became accustomed to being honest with myself and setting boundaries, I found I was getting more done and was much less stressed. As I completed and checked each item off my list, I added another one. That meant I had to turn down a few offers of serving on voluntary committees and other opportunities during this process, but once I became accustomed to setting boundaries, I was eventually able to add a few of these back in.
While my boss was surprised when I first pushed back on accepting an assignment, he eventually realized I was getting more done and increasing my output. More importantly, I was happier with my job. I learned that saying “No” doesn’t mean you’re not a team player; it means you realize your capabilities and capacities and don’t want to make anyone promises you may not be able to keep.
This skill has proved invaluable to me now that I have Myasthenia Gravis. I can do just about anything, but I can’t do everything. Sometimes I have to tell people “No”, that I can’t take on their invitation because my plate is already too full. I have to make sure I leave room on my to-do list for things I need to do for me, like an afternoon nap so I can make it through the rest of the day. I have to take my medicines at the times instructed by my doctor. I have to make sure I make time for the things that are really important in life. I accomplish more when I set boundaries. Before I’m able to take care of everyone else, I need to make sure I take care of myself.
As for my friend, she’ll get through this. She’s talented, resourceful and resilient. I’m sending a copy of today’s blog to her. I hope she’s truthful to herself and sets boundaries in her life. I have all the faith in the world in her.
I’m the kind of person that likes to stay busy, especially my mind. I need to remain productive for my own well-being. Setting boundaries and managing priorities helps me do that safely.
I can do anything; I can’t do everything.
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