In Times of Struggle

Those of us with Myasthenia Gravis live the ups and downs of this disorder. We have days with few symptoms where we feel wonderful and ready to take on the world. We also have days when it’s a struggle to even get out of bed. We’re tired, we ache, we’re weak, so we struggle. Sometimes that struggle is physical, sometimes it’s emotional, and sometimes it’s both.

I’m always talking about wearing a smile, but I’ll be the first to admit that even a smile is difficult on days when I’m struggling. It’s as if my body is trying to convince my mind that MG is winning. Once my mind is convinced, it’s off to the races. I’ve been weakened to the point where emotionally, I’m ready to give up. I’m tired of fighting and don’t feel like fighting any longer. Lying in bed and wasting away appears more appealing than the energy I’ll need to expend to keep fighting.

There are thousands of things that rush through my mind in those moments. I’m so tired. I ache all over. I can’t do the things I used to do. I don’t have the strength to put on a smile. My medicine is so expensive. There is no cure. If this is only going to get worse, why am I even trying to fight?

When I get to this point, I need to turn inward. My racing mind is no longer capable of guiding me. I need to turn to my heart. That’s where my strength lies. That’s where calm is. That’s where God resides.

It’s a challenge, but if I force my mind to go to my heart, I find strength. I realize that God is in control, not MG. Although MG tries, it can never overcome God’s power. I am the vessel in which MG is located and that vessel can either pour out misery or it can pour out love. I get to choose.

It’s interesting that God gives us free will. We get to choose the paths we take. We don’t always choose correctly, but He’s always there to help us back to the right path if we turn to Him. God also lets us choose what we will pour out of our vessel.

When my strength is gone and I’m struggling, turning to God allows me to rely on His strength. It may not be immediate relief, but relief will come. Sometimes my struggles persist for a short period of time as He helps me build my faith and strength, but I can rely on it coming. That’s the difference between relying on myself and relying on God. My strength is limited, the strength that God gives me is not. I’m not sure how strong I am, but I am absolutely sure how strong I can be with God’s strength in me.

Those struggles I face, they’re bumps in the road, not mountains I’m unable to climb. As long as I turn to God for help, I can climb. What may seem insurmountable on my own, is navigable with God. Remember that extra set of footprints that walked with you on the beach? He’s always there. We just need to turn to Him.

So, here’s my normal routine when I’m struggling. I start out feeling all the tiredness, weakness and aches. My mind begins to focus on them and make them worse than they actually are. I begin to tell myself I’m tired and weak; I can’t do this any longer. When I hit this point, I need to ask myself the question. If I can’t fight any longer, who can fight for me? God can and will. I force my racing mind to go down deep into my heart and think about how much God loves me. It’s a deeper, more complete love than I will ever receive from a person. His love is unconditional. I allow that love to wash over me and through me. As it does, my troubles begin to fade. Calm begins to set in. Now I’m ready to let my heart control my mind. All those nasty evil thoughts start to flee. They know they can’t challenge God and all His power. I begin to feel stronger. I begin to feel more alive. I’m gaining my strength. I’m ready to fight.

I must admit, this return to sanity and strength doesn’t come naturally. I have to make it happen. I have to choose God. It’s so easy to stay curled up in a ball and feel helpless. For some reason, I enjoy a good pity party. Myasthenia Gravis is strong. God is stronger.

When you find yourself struggling, I encourage you to go inward. Turn to God. Let your heart overcome your racing mind. You are strong. You can fight. God will help you.

Why again would I want to fight? Because you have people that love you and want you to stay around. You’re not just fighting for yourself; you’re fighting for them. You have plenty to live for. You have your family, your children, your grandchildren, and your friends. They need you.

The gift you have to give them is the love that flows from your vessel. There’s no greater gift.

I choose love, not misery, to pour from my vessel.